Absenteeism

Sorry. So sorry for my absenteeism. I've been on quite the roller coaster ride the last couple months... This spring, I was struggling against a rather strong internal demon that answers to the name of severe depression. Someday soon I will publish the post I wrote back then- but failed to actually publish. Then, right in the middle of this struggle, I got quite the surprise: I'm pregnant! Which is such a wonderful thing to happen- it just happened to be the very worst timing for me. So, now I have been experiencing the feeling of moms who get pregnant unexpectedly, who are not necessarily ready for it. It's a new adventure, to be sure. Months ago, I titled my depression post "The Dichotomy of Me" and this pregnancy has only served to strengthen that dichotomy. I'm not sure I have the words to describe all the different emotions I'm having, but I'm going to try... First, there's the vacillation between utter and total excitement over being pregnant (I've wanted another baby for quite some time now) and the despair over being pregnant (now truly is not a good time either emotionally or financially). Add to that the fact that this baby is really kicking my butt in the morning sickness/hormone issues department- to the point that I often spend a good portion of the day in bed, absolutely miserable. My head tries, in vain, to convince my body that this is definitely all worth it. I know that it is totally worth the illness of it, but when you're "in the thick of sick"* it's difficult to remember... If that wasn't enough, having had several miscarriages, this first trimester is, well... nerve-racking. The sad part of it is that when I do happen to have a good day physically, I can't even enjoy it because then I'm afraid that it is an omen of a miscarriage. I want so badly to just be happy and excited, not have that looming miscarriage cloud over my head. I look at women who have no question that they are having a baby, and I am envious. On the other hand, I feel I have a deeper appreciation for my babies that do make it. So, there's my excuse. I try to justify it, but still feel terrible guilt over not posting my sons' accomplishments and memories. I will do better now, I promise. *rather fitting description penned by my sister-in-law!