The Dichotomy of Me

Just two weeks before finding out I was pregnant, I penned this post, but never actually finished it or published it. I got some thoughts out, but lacked the energy to hone it, to really say all I needed to. Even so, here it is: "I am feeling terrible about my lack of communication with those dear to me. I am sorry. Not only have I been super busy, I have been fighting some rather difficult personal demons. Please forgive me. I have been ashamed to share these demons, but my mind is finally wrapping itself around the fact that I am not a bad person for being depressed; I have a disease. Now that I seem to be pulling out of it, I feel the urge to do some writing; release a bit... Way back when I was a young teen, I was diagnosed with depression. For the most part, I am able to manage it, but ever since then I have dealt with periodic tumbles into the depths of despair. This one that I am (hopefully) on the tail end of, was one of the worst- and yet, there was a whole new aspect to it this time. For the first time I was able to detach myself to a degree. I think my dream last night describes it well- I dreamt I was back in school and had an assignment to write a paper about myself. I titled it "The Dichotomy of Me". When I awoke, I realized that title is perfect. When around other people a logical, responsible side of me takes over and I act normal. But on the inside, a raging battle ensues; a struggle between light and dark, good and bad. I have (so far) bested the beast within who feeds my head with thoughts of complete failure, utter despair, and, often, suicide. For a while there, I was in a constant state of shear panic- absolutely terrified that the evil residing in me would win. Several times, I asked Hubby to stay by my side, to not leave me alone- just in case. A couple events precipitated this episode; at work I was stressed beyond the maximum by not only being responsible for three separate integral positions (financials, managing receptionists and inventory), but managing this while moving the entire practice to a new building. I was working 75-80 hours a week during January and only got six full days off in the first three months of this year. I was completely overwhelmed. Shortly before all this, Hubby and I decided we wanted another baby- something I have to prepare for since I am on antidepressants (shouldn't be on meds while pregnant/nursing), so I started to wean myself down slowly. Now, in hindsight, that was not the best decision (downright stupid, in fact) but when your heart speaks to you so clearly, it's nearly impossible to resist. Actually, I was managing to keep my head above water for quite some time. I would have some dips, but generally did alright. It was when I started acupuncture (to help with the increasing panic I was feeling) that the floodgates really opened. My Acupuncturist, Fred, said I was a ticking time bomb- ready to explode at any moment. His plan was to slowly, very slowly release the chi that was locked up, unable to flow. Well, along with the chi, he released a mass of emotions: anger, resentment, discontent. All the feelings I had bottled up in order to get through life. It was through this process that I realized something profound. Though I am, on the surface, happy, my life is not what I want it to be. I pine for a life with less stimulation, more peace; less stress, more contentment; less "stuff" and more of what really matters: time. Time to be with my loved ones, time to be alone with my thoughts, time to pursue my dreams. I have often composed posts in my head regarding this very subject and have decided it is time to share my story. This is something I am doing not for pity or to broadcast that I am a victim. Quite the opposite: I want to let everyone know that I am better than this depression."