Miscarriage Journal Entry

Still no miscarriage. When Dr B said I could choose between surgery or letting nature take its course, I chose nature. I chose nature because that is what I did for my third miscarriage and I miscarried the very next day. That was one day shy of 13 weeks. I figured the same thing would happen this time. I was wrong. Now I wonder if the baby on my third miscarriage died at 10 weeks also, but we just didn't find out until 12 weeks. Ugh. Almost every morning, I wake up and there is blood. I steel myself for what surely will come that day. But it never does. I truly hate that I am now "hoping for a miscarriage". It's twisted. It should not be this way. I guess it is a definite downside to advancing technology- I think it might be easier to never know that your baby was dead, to just miscarry one day, out of the blue. Not that a miscarriage is ever easy- that is not what I'm saying. It's just that then you can actually grieve all at once, get it all out. Be done with it. I am also finding that my mind is trying to play mind games with me. Every once in a while the thought creeps up: "what if they were wrong? What if the baby really is still alive?" I quickly squash the thought with my memory of the ultrasound image. The solid white, very distinct little head and body; the complete absence of any heartbeat. And so I know it is true.